Dear Beloved,

I believe there is great love in your life. You may not be able to see it, but it’s there. It’s just masked by your fears; your ancient stories, present anxieties and future projections. 

Have you found “the one?” Have you found and lost “the one?” Are you searching for or given up on ever finding (or keeping) “the one?”

We like to think that our relationship woes – even the patterns we repeatedly use – arise from issues we have with other people. We fear getting into that kind of relationship again. 

Intimacies tend to enhance and bring to the surface every single unhealed Core Belief. So we make deals to help us not unearth and heal these beliefs. 

Afraid of being abandoned, we seek out people who will promise to always be there for us so long as we hold up our end of the bargain to camouflage their core beliefs. The same goes for our fears that we’re powerless, unworthy, guilty, lacking/limited in some way, or dying off/having our life energy sucked away by something in our world. Calgon, take me away!

If we’re really creative, we’ll step away before we get enmeshed in the deal, so we can live to flirt another day.

Last week, I mentioned one of my Ryan’s Rules of Order. I use these in board trainings, but also in family dynamics. In that previous newsletter, I shared You must assume everyone is doing their best in each and every moment – including you. Here’s another one: You must assume that everyone is coming from a place of love, even when that love is obscured by a mask of fear.

Remember that great love I mentioned at the start of this letter?

That love is you! Here’s my best advice for fully and completely falling head over heels in love with yourself:

  1. Don’t be so afraid to commit to yourself fully and completely. 

Be willing to show up unmasked and unfiltered, every moment of every day, even if it freaks other people out. Be willing to speak your truth; unveil your warts, odd habits, fears and anxieties. All of it!

2. Don’t be so quick to run away from your uncomfortable feelings and the conversations (in your head and aloud) your ego uses to keep you on edge, building on your anxiety and fear. 

Be willing to have all conversations aloud, free from judgment, unwinding the self-sabotaging story you’re creating, seeking clarification and common ground before a small misunderstanding becomes a big thing

3. Don’t be so eager to bypass your healing process around your own issues by determining the problem is out there and pointing out the character flaws in another. 

Be willing to do the deep work within that will bring you into a deep abiding love for you.

And if you can’t be willing, see if you can be willing to be willing. Even the tiniest willingness will get you on your way. Say to yourself: I am willing to be willing to be willing.

A willingness to risk losing everything, by simply being 100% authentically you. A willingness to stay the course and be fully present to every button that gets pushed. A willingness to stand in the dark, sweaty turmoil of differences and conflicts and tears and still speak your microscopic truth. A willingness to settle for nothing, and accept everything that truly enlivens you. A willingness to own and verbalize your fears.

Come to think of it, those might make great wedding vows. “I, ______________________, am willing to….”All great relationships start with willingness. Promise me you’ll do a little navel gazing and look for ways you can become more willing every day. I promise you: the tiniest forward motion – in thought, word or deed will lead to your greatest transformation. And if you want to hold yourself accountable, write and tell me what you’ve decided you’re willing to do in your quest to fall deeply and permanently in love with yourself!